Halloween

Its no secret--fall is one of my favorite times of year.  Right along with that comes Halloween, my most favorite holiday, and not entirely for the reasons everyone would think.  You think Halloween, you think costumes, candy, and jack-o-lanterns--all of which are awesome, mind you--but not many people realize that Halloween is about our ancestors and respect for our dead as well.  In Mexico its even called "Dia de los Muertos" or Day of the Dead.  Long before my history and ancestors became important to me, I found this fascinating.  Today, while I fully enjoy the costumes and sweets, I also take the day to remember those who came before me.  Sadly, I don't think enough people in today's world even realize the true meaning of the holiday, let alone care.  Here's hoping that some of you will remember your ancestors tomorrow, and not lose yourself in the parties, costumes, and candy...

In honor of my ancestors, here are a few of the photos I have of them. 

 Great Great Grandma Edith.

 Great Great Great Grandma Henrietta "Ett."

 Great Grandma Caroline, for whom both my mother and I were named, with my Grandfather, his half sister, and his adopted sister.

Great Grandma Mary and Great Grandpa John.

Great Grandpa Lester and his brothers.

If I Were Home...

If I were home in New York today, I know exactly what I'd like to be doing. 

I'd have the windows in the whole house thrown open to let in the fresh autumn air.  I'd be baking apple and pumpkin pies while I watch colorful leaves flutter on the trees outside.  Once the pies were set out to cool I'd take a walk and enjoy the day.  I'd harvest some pumpkins and rake some leaves.  As usual, I'd take lots of pictures. 

Its a shame I won't be heading home for a while yet.  Somehow, I think some fresh air and simple activities would make me feel a lot less icky most days.

 

Changes

Eek! It has been nearly 6 months since I wrote anything here. I feel so ashamed.  I will try to update more often in the future.

For today though, I'm sticking with a simple post about some big changes in my life. 

I am happy to say that I am expecting a little on in April of next year!  Everything I think of these days has to do with the precious little baby growing in my belly.  I'm crocheting baby blankets, thinking of sewing myself some maternity clothes for winter, and constantly wondering what it will be like to meet the little one in April.

I've done a few of my own maternity photos, as I am not far along, and I don't like the conventional photos that everyone else does.  I'm going with the "How big is your baby this week compared to fruit" list I found online.  Here are the photos I have so far for weeks 7 and 8.

Spring, Home, and Other Things

Again, it has been far too long since I have posted anything here.  Winter has come and gone, and now its Spring, mostly. I am working now, in a library and I love it there.  However, I am still as homesick as ever.  I cannot wait to leave this state where things are in a constant state of chaos, and return to the country where things make more sense.  Plus I cannot wait to have a garden where no one can tell me what I can and cannot plant.  I can't wait to have a lawn that has enough grass to mow.  And I definitely cannot wait to have views of mountains, green trees, and farmland again.  I cannot wait to be myself again and live freely in the countryside away from all the madness of the city. I just have to keep telling myself...soon...soon...

I can't wait to get back to being me.

A New Season

I know I have not posted much as of late, and I do apologize.  As I have been quite often lately, I'm in a bad place emotionally and I don't know how to fix it.  Depression does that, I guess. 
But, Spring is on its way...Just a little bit longer now!  I'm starting to find signs of it here and there.  The chickadees are starting to sing their "Phoebe" song, the grass by the stream side is turning a weak green, and we've even had a rain shower.  What's more, I can smell spring in the air.  Its faint here, not like home, but its unmistakable.
And, coming with spring, I will be starting a new job.  Finally! After a year of searching, I have been hired by the Pikes Peak Library district as library help.  It is the perfect job for me, and I am so excited.
Now, if only I can kick this homesickness and make it through one more year in this place, I will be fine.
That said, I am off to my garden room to watch my peas and cucumbers grow.  I need the greenery.

History

So, I have been considering making a second blog to chronicle my findings in my family tree/history project.  I've been toying with some names... Grave Quest (which sounds rather lame...).  I'm open to any suggestions.  My goal is to share my findings, and eventually, as I get back to New York and can visit graveyards, photos and rubbings of gravestones.  Also, any old family photos I can get from Mom, or dig up elsewhere.  Please, let me know if this would interest you.  I have a lot of research done already, and I am considering featuring one ancestor per entry if possible.  <3 

Feedback, please! 

Clovers

Nature is simply amazing...even nature growing in a flower pot in my windowsill.

I've been feeling pretty down as of late.  Two weeks ago, I planted some catnip and mint in an effort to brighten the dreary winter with some greenery.  Neither the catnip nor the mint grew.  However, clovers have begun to sprout. 

For those of you who don't know, clovers are my favorite flowers/plants, so the fact that I didn't plant them, and they grew is nothing short of a winter miracle!  Let me reiterate...Nature is simply amazing.

Now when I look at that little clover growing in my window sill, I can't help but smile.

GoodnightClover Photography

Just a quick note to all...if you like photography, please go check out my photography page on Facebook.  GoodnightClover Photography  If you like what you see, please share it with your friends.  I'm trying to get my photos out in the world...

Thanks for looking!

Death has always fascinated and frightened me.
And then yesterday I encountered it, not in the loss of a pet, or a plant, but for the first time, family. 
My Aunt Donna passed on yesterday. 
In truth, it was a good thing.  She'd been sick for a long time now. It makes the whole experience bittersweet. 
I'm glad she's not suffering anymore, but it hurts me so badly to think that I'll never see her again.
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how to cope. 
My cousins have got to be some of the strongest women I know...  I don't know how they are dealing with this, but I know that if I were in their shoes I would not be coping quite as well.

As for Aunt Donna, we'll miss you.
Let's meet again someday.

Finding Myself

So, I'm sure you've noticed that I've been complaining a lot lately about how I feel like I lost myself. I'm not me anymore... right?
So, in an attempt to counter these feelings and remember who I am, I started a list.
The current list is in my art journal...

I actually really like the idea of rediscovering myself by listing all of the things I used to love to do, and if anyone else feels the way I do, you should try it too.  It may not help you find yourself, but the memories are enough to make you feel better inside.
Since you can't read it in the photo, I'm including my very own list.  Feel free to comment with memories of us if you think I forgot anything. <3

~I will plant a garden every spring
~I will find at least one four-leaf clover every summer
~I will draw at least one picture every week
~I will take walks as often as I can
~I will write at least one sentence every day
~I will smile no matter how bad things get
~I will talk to my cats every day
~I will stop worrying about what people think
~I will speak my mind
~I will lie in the grass and admire the stars
~I will make a mess with paint as often as I can
~I will dance in the wind and laugh in the rain
~I will go on an adventure with my closest friends
~I will walk barefoot in the mud
~I will climb a tree and enjoy the view
~I will roll down the biggest hill I can find
~I will pick mayflowers and put them in a jar on the window
~I will go skinny dipping in ice cold water
~I will enjoy campfires every summer
~I will write down all of my dreams
~I will eat fresh peas straight from the garden
~I will marvel at every thunderstorm
~I will learn to bake new things
~I will fall asleep in the grass on a sunny day
~I will watch a sunset
~I will watch a sunrise
~I will catch fireflies every summer
~I will camp under the stars
~I will go fishing
~I will touch a live snake
~I will press flowers in a book
~I will sit by a lake and simply watch the water
~I will go to a yard sale with my Grandma
~I will explore an abandoned house
~I will rake leaves in the fall and jump in the piles
~I will paint my face with 'indian paint'
~I will act silly on every possible occasion
~I will build a fort in the woods
~I will write my name on an artists mushroom
~I will sleep with my windows open at night
~I will walk through the woods in a tunic and leather boots
~I will visit new places any chance I get
~I will sleep next to a wood stove
~I will go sledding down a steep hill
~I will eat fresh blueberries
~I will hatch chicks
~I will chop and stack firewood for the upcoming winter
~I will make homemade maple syrup
~I will cover my walls with pictures
~I will have a sleep-over with my friends
~I will grow clovers on my windowsill
~I will always own at least one calico cat
~I will collect all the feathers I can
~I will have shelves upon shelves of books in my room
~I will listen to music I can sing along with
~I will never stop dreaming
~I will cherish the first flowers of spring
~I will take long walks under the moon
~I will love and respect nature
~I will have a meadow picnic
~I will go apple picking
~I will go to a farmers market every year
~I will sing hobbit walking songs
~I will keep houseplants on my bookshelves
~I will skip rocks in the brook
~I will watch the clouds drift by
....

And the list can go on.  That's all I have right now but I'm adding to it all the time, trying to define myself. 
Do you think it will work? 

Day Three

A picture of me and my friend.

Day 2

A picture of me and the person I have been closest with the longest.

 To my sisters, both biological and chosen. I miss you guys like crazy, and you've always been there when I needed you.  

Day 1

A Recent Photo of Me and 15 Interesting Things About Myself.
(With photos, because its prettier that way.)

1. I love and respect Nature with all my being.

2. I believe that clovers, cat whiskers, and feathers are lucky.

3. I love gardening.

4. I love books, and would love to be a librarian.

5. I love being barefoot, especially in the woods.

6. Leather, fresh cut grass, spring rain, and dirt are my favorite scents in all the world.

7. I have a terrible fear of driving and crossing streets.

8. I think tattoos can be beautiful, and I would like another one.

9. Much of my artwork is inspired by strange dreams I've had.

10. I love music that tells a story.

11. Cool colors are my favorites.

12. I dislike being cold.

13.  Thirteen is my favorite number.

14. I would love to live in an old farmhouse.

15. I love lying on a blanket under the sky and watching for shooting stars.

30 Days

I really enjoyed doing the 10 day blog challenge, and now that its come to an end I feel sad that I won't have anything to post here every day...
So I am borrowing a 30 day challenge from one of my facebook friends.  I'm not a huge fan of memes...but I like having something to share with you all... So until I get back on track and find some decent topics to rant about, I am going to do this meme as well...  Here's what it consists of...

Day 01 - A recent photo of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 03 - A picture of you and your friend
Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have
Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you've been to
...Day 06 - A picture that shows your true self
Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 11 - Your celebrity crush
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of something you hate
Day 14 - Picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - Someone you would want to switch lives w/ for one day and why
Day 17 - Your favorite song
Day 18 - Picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture of someone you miss
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22 - A picture that confuses you
Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 25 - Picture of yourself and another family member
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of something your afraid of
Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - Who are you?

If any of my friends are interested, I'd love for you to do this right along with me! <3 I love seeing what you have to post all the time as well.

Day 10: One Confession

Ah, I hate confessions, so this is bound to be vague...

One Confession...

1.  There is a me that no one knows, and while she is the true me, I am afraid of what people would say if I was to let her out and be myself.

Winter Dreams

Just a few new photos. <3

Day Nine: Two Favorite Songs

This is a tough one, I love so many songs by so many different wonderful artists, so...
I guess my two most listened to are...

1.  Lullaby for a Stormy Night by Vienna Teng
2.  Who Will Sing Me Lullabies by Kate Rusby

Day Eight: Three Turn Ons

1. Cat lovers.  Any guy who loves cats is automatically sexy to me.
2. Respect of nature.  I love a guy who can respect and enjoy nature as much as I do.  Someone who will go walking in the woods, or simply sit by the stream with me... I can never be a city girl.
3. Acceptance.  A guy who can let me be me, and even if he may not understand why I do the things I do, accepts it as part of who I am.

Day Seven: Four Turn Offs

Day Seven: Four Turn Offs
1. Temper.  Yelling, screaming, or any variation of a short temper.
2. The inability to stop talking. Silence is necessary from time to time.
3. Smoking.  I can't breathe when I smell cigarette smoke, so don't try it around me, it will just piss me off.
4. Lies.  I prefer people who are straightforward and honest with me.

Week 10

Week 10 of my 52 weeks project.  I'm really behind...by about 3 or 4 weeks, but I haven't taken a lot of photos lately. 

I've been thinking a lot lately.
I don't feel like ME anymore.  It could just be the depression coming back, or perhaps I have just changed.

I'm losing myself.

I hear music that I used to listen to, or see a picture that I drew a long time ago, and I can't help but think... "I miss the old me."
Perhaps its simply because my life is so different that I cannot be the same person that I was.  I'm married now.  I live halfway across the country from home, in a city nonetheless.  I have not seen any of my friends in over a year...And for some...far longer.

I hate the new me.  Hate her.  But I don't know how to get the old me back.  Its like she is lost.  Or hiding in some beautiful place where I will never be able to find her.  A place where the new me would never be able to go...

I don't know what to do anymore...